So, good old Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts have been published into 2 volumes of which I have in my possession. With both Noah and Judson, I read those books when I was about to deliver and laughed my head off with Eric. It makes my stomach hurt and contract to laugh so hard. So, its a tradition to read these books to get me prepared for what's coming. Here are some of my favorites:
*Children need encouragement. So, if a kid gets an anwer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
*If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.
*The Crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
*If you are an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.
*If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.
*You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off steam.
*If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said, 'inspection.' " They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
*I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
*During the middle ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
*If you are a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
*I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you are in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake too!
*If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them that their ants ate your baby.
*Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here looking through your stuff.
*Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pine cone? That way he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save our national forests.
Which one was your favorite?
4 comments:
My favorite is....
If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said, 'inspection.' " They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
My second favorite was this morning when Juliette read the quotes and said "these aren't really her thoughts are they?" C'mon Jules don't you know "It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs." or that
"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."
My favourite was DEFINATELY the insects taking over the world! Great stuff!
ohhhh I LOVE JH! and i love YOU for posting this! i needed a good laugh.
My favorite was the ants taking over the world. My family loves Jack Handey too. Thanks for the laugh.
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